Is it "Just a Phase"?

Children go through phases of all kinds including sleeping changes (sleeping more, less, no longer sleeping alone), changes in appetite, wanting to spend more time with a parent, avoiding school, not wanting to play a sport they have always loved, and even being more grumpy then usual. But when do we know that this is not just a passing phase and is a sign or symptom of something bigger? To be honest it can be difficult to know, but one idea is to think back to when you first realized the change was happening and think about if something may have triggered these changes. Was there a schedule change at work, meaning you are no longer home at 6 every day or can’t drop the kids off at school? Did a friend leave their sports team, did they watch a scary movie, or did something unsettling happen at in the community or in the world that might be talked about at school? Was there a substitute teacher at school for an extended period of time? All these seemingly little events can cause disruption in the life of your child. Even simple disruptions can create anxiety in a child. 

The second thing to do is think about how long has this behavior been present. Has it been a few days, weeks, months? A phase is usually going to happen for a short period of time and then fade out. If a problematic behavior has been going on for more than a few weeks without change and attempts have been made to change the behavior, something bigger may be going on. This is not to say it is a sign of a serious condition but that it may be time to seek outside help. A counselor can help your child develop new ways to express and cope with their thoughts and feelings. 

Remember all behavior serves a purpose. We, as the adults, have to figure out what need is being served by this behavior as well as to help our children find better ways to meet that need.

 

Getting Your Kids to be Part of the Solution

A childhood frustration of mine was always being told what to do. Parents, teachers, baby-sitters, and grown-ups in particular get to make all the rules and as a child they seemed unfair. As an adult I see the need for rules, structure and guidelines, but as a child it seemed the rules were there to punish kids. I’m sure as parents you’ve heard the statement “Well, when I grow up I’m not going to ___”. Struggling against rules and limits is a natural part of childhood and helps in gaining autonomy. But it can create conflict within the family. 

So what then shall we do?

  1. Get your kids involved in setting rules for the family. Sit down together as a family and come up with rules for the whole family. Now this activity might require some compromise but you may be surprised at how well your kids do in coming up with rules. 
  2. Not only have the kids be involved in setting rules but have them offer suggestions for consequences if rules are broken. Again, you may be surprised at their ideas. 

Both rules and consequences have to be agreed upon by both parents.

By having your kids be involved in setting the rules, you may find that they take more care in abiding by the rules. 

Additionally, by having the consequences already set for the rules it will take the pressure off yourself in coming up with a consequence when rules are broken. In the heat of the moment it is easy to give consequences that aren’t feasible (grounded for the rest of your life). So if the consequence is already set, you don’t have to come up with something on the spot. Plus if the kids have had a say in setting the consequence, they have less opportunity to say “that’s not fair”. 

 

Alternatively, get your kids involved in being part of the solution when they are upset. Don't assume you know what will help them - ask them. Don't just tell them what to do when there is a problem. Listen to them, ask them what they think would help, then offer your advice. Have them consider possible outcomes for their solution, remembering to consider both positive and negative consequences of choices. Remember the Prefrontal Cortex (the problem-solving area of the brain) is not fully formed until early 20’s, so as parents, you have to teach your child how to consider a situation and determine what is a good and fair solution to the problem. 

 

Problem-solving is an important skill for all of us to learn. Getting your child involved in problem solving from an early age, teaches them the importance of expressing their own ideas, giving opinions, and learning how to compromise and work together.  It also provides the essential understanding of the need for rules and consequences. These are all valuable skills in becoming a well-rounded individual.

Impulse Control

We live in a culture that demands instant gratification. We have drive-thru’s for food, bank and even groceries. We want high-speed internet for a faster connection. We can now stream tv and movies and get upset when there is “buffering”. We want our coffee hot, our internet fast, and our lines to always be short and when we don’t get it we get upset. But for some reason we expect our children to be patient and wait. Our culture teaches that we should do whatever feels good. Don’t worry about the consequences or what comes after…just do it. This is counter to what parents and educators are trying to teach the youth of today. Parents tell their kids to “hold on”, Teachers try and teach students to “wait their turn” but the messages of American society tell our students to demand that they get exactly what they want when they want it. 

So what then shall we do?

  1. We teach impulse control. This is a tough lesson to learn and in some instances a harder lesson to teach. But impulse control is desperately needed. We teach that just because you feel like doing something or saying something doesn’t mean you have to actually do it. There are a variety of ways to do this including through card games such as slap jack or war; through activities such as musical chairs, red light/green light or even freeze tag. The goal is to teach your kids to be able to stop themselves. 
  2. We teach empathy. We teach our children to think about the other people around them. It is important to think about how our actions, behaviors and words affect others. Books and movies can be a great resource to help launch conversations about how we are all connected. 
  3. We teach consequences. We are all free to choose but there are consequences for every choice we make and we have to accept the consequences of our actions. Lack of impulse control can lead to missed play time, to extra chores or loss of points at school. As parents we often want to protect our kids but allowing kids to experience consequences especially natural consequences is necessary for future development. 
  4. We demonstrate patience. We show our children that we will survive if we have to wait an extra 5 minutes in line (You could even use that time to talk with your kids or work on spelling or reading skills with what is around you). We show our children how to stay calm and wait. 

In a world where we want everything faster, it can be difficult to remember that not everything needs to happen immediately. By stopping and thinking through our choices sometimes we see an even better choice that would have been missed if we had gone with our first impulse. Let’s help our kids learn this same idea of having impulse control. It just might make our world a better place to live. 

 

When Fear Plagues Your Child

Childhood is a time where fears come and go and the majority of fears may be imaginary, such as monsters under the bed. But what do we do when the fears are real and possible? With our 24 hour news sources and breaking news available immediately on our phones it can be difficult to keep our kids away from hearing about the latest tragedies that occur too frequently in our world. As a result, kids today are more afraid of a intruder on campus, a drive by shooting, or kidnapping than a monster under the bed. As adults we fear the same things as it doesn’t appear any place is truly safe. 

So what then shall we do?

  1. Listen to their fears. Let your child talk about what is really bothering them. Try to normalize fear and that it is ok to feel this way.
  2. Talk about what would happen if the fear came true. Is there a plan for where to meet if there is a fire? Is there a plan at school if there is an intruder who comes on campus?
  3. Reassure your child that there are still heroes that fight the bad guys (firefighters, police officers, military personnel, teachers)
  4. Come up with plans together.  Let you child be involved in the problem solving of what will help them feel safe in a world that too often doesn’t feel safe. 
  5. Explain in age appropriate language the reasons you are setting certain boundaries and teach them the importance of staying within those boundaries. 

So when fear is plaguing your child remember that fear is normal. We all get scared or worried about things but we don’t have to stay afraid. Instead, talk about those fears, come up with action plans and always look for the heroes. Who knows, you and your child just might be the heroes we need in this world. 

 

Validate. Validate. Validate.

As adults we tend to be on the run. We have a thousand things that need to be accomplished on any given day and don’t have the time to deal with each individual “crisis” that a child may bring to our attention. We launch quickly into “fix-it” mode and tell the child to “go play with something else”, we tell the sibling to “say you’re sorry” and move past the hurt and squabble that is going on, or we tell them we will deal with it later. We want our children to move at the same pace we move at. Unfortunately they can’t. Their concept of time is just different. Remember when summer felt like forever? How it seemed like an eternity before your next birthday or the next milestone? Each event in a child’s life is significant because they are only focused on the immediate and are cognitively unable to see the bigger picture. As parents and caregivers we must remember and understand this concept. Even when it seems insignificant it is important to them. 

So what then shall we do? 

  1. We validate, validate, validate. In other words, we express understanding. We acknowledge their feelings and their point of view. For example, “I see that you are really frustrated by your toy being broken” or “I understand that your brother hurt your feelings”, or “You seem really sad right now”. By validating their feelings or point of view you not only give them attention but significance which is vital to a child’s self-worth. 
  2. We slow down and give a few minutes out of our day to listen to a child.  Listen for understanding and insight into the child’s life and how they process situations. 
  3. We encourage the child to be part of the “fix-it” process. Ask them “What do you think we should do about this?” Problem-solving is vital in adulthood! So start them young in learning this concept. 

So next time you find yourself trying to accomplish it all and deal with the crisis at hand, remember it’s ok to take time to validate, slow down and problem solve together. We might just raise a generation we can be proud of.